The more I walk through this, the more I realize I know nothing....Just when I think I am getting close to understanding something I am completely thrown, and when I feel like I have absolutely no idea about something God gives me a glimpse of his grace and love.
The day of Riley's surgery I was a mess much like the day that Ayden had surgery....I just stared at her knowing the pain that she was about to be in and that I could not do anything at all to help...It was an overwhelming sense of sorrow and pain.....I had to leave her bedside and go outside where I could pretty much cry out to God for his grace and mercy, I needed it more now than ever....However, I felt nothing I did not feel an overwhelming sense of peace, I still felt fear and worry....Where was God, I was scared, hurt and cried out for his mercy and received nothing.
As we were sitting in the waiting room I was quite just remembering Ayden's surgery and not believing that I was here again....Where are you God I kept asking myself....I looked at Becca and in that moment I told her, " I don't feel God".....I was struggling, I mean I did not doubt God or not have faith in him, but at the moment it felt like my prayers were falling on def ears.....I mean I know that he never leaves me his word tells me that, but where is he now when I need him most.
Riley's surgery went really well as Becca said in the previous blog, but I could not get past the feeling of God not sending his peace to me when I needed it most. I struggled with it, I will not lie and act like I have everything figured out or that it was easy or is easy now.
However, through all this I have written above God gave me a glimpse of something that earlier had hurt and confused me.....As I went to bed that night, I thought to myself how the heck did I make it through the day.....how was I not just a complete mess....how did I not cry the entire day.......how did I manage to laugh with my friends....how did I have the strength to look at my daughter immediately after her surgery........and just as I had all of these thoughts run through my mind God gave me the answer.........I CARRIED YOU.....it was like I could hear God......it was in the moments that I did not feel God that he carried me, it was in my weakest and worst times that he was strongest and loving me.....
I have learned a lot through this time in my life....I have learned that just because I am not feeling God at a particular moment does not mean that he is not surrounding me with his love, mercy, and grace....I have learned that my feelings are deceptive and no matter how I feel it will never make him any less my God, because my GOD is never changing and always faithful to me....Even when I think he doesn't hear me
So, be encouraged that when you face a hard situation and that you cannot feel God's presence or peace.....your feelings are deceptive and that we must lean on his word and what he tells us and not how we are feeling at that very moment.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Love,
Josh, Becca, Ayden, and Riley
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1 comment:
Just wanted to send you guys my thoughts and prayers as you go through this difficult time. Riley's surgery was the same day as my GMAT exam - the first thing I did when I walked out the door was to call Mom and find out how Riley was doing. You have some solid prayer support coming out of the DC area, including my roommate's family, and a number of friends and other acquaintances who all send their love and support. We are all in awe of your strength and your faith - it's nothing short of inspirational.
Wishing the best for Riley and her homecoming...
-judson
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