Marriage with a special needs child

I had the amazing privilege of guest blogging for a friend and mentor of mine today about navigating married life with a special needs child. I have copied the blog post below but to check it out plus tons of amazing words of wisdom by an incredible woman of God, Pastor Kerri Weems, please visit www.KerriWeems.com.

Marriage: With a special needs child

June 27, 2011 ·

This is a Guest Blog by Becca Turner. She is married to our Student Ministries Pastor, Josh Turner, and has helped out in many ways at the church. One of her most recent contributions was leading the Decor Team for Shine 2011–and didn’t she do an incredible job? She has truly shown herself strong and faithful, and I know you’ll be blessed by this post! Please let me know what you think. Love you all, Kerri xx

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First off, I just want to say that I am beyond honored to be able to guest blog for the fabulous Pastor Kerri Weems. Pastor Kerri is a huge source of inspiration in my life and I could not love her or the rest of the Weems family any more than I do.

Secondly, please let me say that I feel like I am by no means any sort of authority on marriage with a special needs child. Most days I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, but luckily I am married to an incredible man who is full of life and just as hopeless as I am–and together we serve a God who loves and knows us intimately and, as such, showers us with huge amounts of grace daily. Doing life with a special needs child is in no way easy, but when our daughter Riley was born, Josh and I decided that no matter what, our family would do whatever we could to give as much glory as possible to our Heavenly Father. And we try our best to live out that decision every day.

Finances, kids, stress, in-laws, personality differences, dirty socks left on the bathroom floor . . . There is a lot to deal with in any marriage and I don’t think having a special needs child creates any new issues to overcome–but it does amplify them. I have learned a lot about myself and our marriage over the past three years, but by far the most important thing I have discovered is that my life is impossible unless I am putting God first. I learned pretty early on that I am not enough. The stress on me, my marriage, and my kids is too much to bear without God’s grace, joy, and peace to strengthen and carry us.

The second thing I have learned is that you have to be real. You have to be honest with yourself. Be realistic about your own limitations and realize that you are going to fail. Get a good support system and get good at learning to lean on others. Be real with your husband. If one of us is struggling, we have to be open about it and rely heavily on each other for encouragement and support. And also be real with God. God does not want or deserve anything less than our humility and honesty when we approach Him in prayer. We cannot hide our anger, doubt, fears, and worries from Him, be honest, give those over to Him and let Him walk you through it.

And lastly, I have learned to be intentional. When you have a special needs child you are on duty 24 hours a day and there is always some pressing matter to deal with. I have to be very intentional with guarding my time for my other child, myself, and my husband. A lot of the time that means getting creative. Taking a coffee break and giving myself a quick manicure, camping out in the den with my son, or creating a romantic night at home for me and the husband. Another part of being intentional is being intentionally proactive. Statistically the odds are against you in marriage and even more so with special needs children. The divorce rate among special needs families is about 35% higher than the national average. So knowing that the odds are not in our favor, Josh and I meet with a marriage counselor. Not because we are struggling, but because we have a great relationship and we want to keep it that way. We do have our issues like every marriage does, but the key for us is being real, being intentional, and doing our best to live a God-first life.