Aching for change

One of the reasons I love being a mom is what it has done in my relationship with God. Having children has allowed me to better comprehend just a hint of what God feels for us as His children and it has deepened my relationship with Him exponentially. All that I feel for my kids of unconditional love, hopes and plans for their future, and pain when they hurt is not even a shadow of the same thoughts and feelings that God has about me. God rocked my world with revelations of His love when my son, Ayden, was born but now He has completely ruined me with everything He has shown me through Riley. Most of you that know me know that I am not much of a crier (except when I am really tired . . . I cried the other day just cause I spilt my coffee on the carpet) but lately I am a complete wreck at anytime of the day when thoughts of God's amazing love enter my mind. I always think that if I could will Riley to be well she would have been healthy from the moment I found out she was sick. (Without being too dramatic . . ) Sometimes I think that if the passion and just gut wrenching emotion that fills my thoughts and prayers about her - if that was enough, if my love was the remedy she would be healed a thousand times over. But the thing that completely breaks my heart is that I know that pain I feel for Riley is only a fraction compared to what my Heavenly Father feels for His hurting children. I have spent enough time in ministry and children's hospitals to know that we are SO far from the plans and hopes He had for us. I know that if the Lord could will us away from the fall and into a right relationship with Himself (without taking away our free will and our choice to love Him) that He would! There have been so many times that I have burst into tears just walking down the hallway of the children's hospital, not because of my daughter or the other children, but because of God - I can feel His agony at how wrong the world is. It is His desire for us to be healthy, whole, full of joy, and intimate with Him but for the most part we are just breathing in and out, not living as intended. I wish I could better put these emotions God has shown me on paper, that I could truly convey the deep agony of His love for us and His anticipation for when we hurt no longer & we can finally rest in the remedy of His Love. I guess the simplest way I can put it is I know that I am loved beyond comprehension by my Heavenly Father, no matter how hard I cry or how loudly I laugh, the Star Maker and Holy Creator of the Universe cries all the more harder at my pain and laughs all the more loudly at my joy. . . WOW!